Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis is known for her style, elegant manner and communication skills. Regarded by many as an effective communicator and great conversationalist, she is remembered less for her speaking however, and more for her ability to listen well.
In one of his books, successful author and management guru Stephen Covey says, “Communication is the most important thing in life. … You’ve spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening?”
For a great number of us, no one taught us listening skills. No one taught us to really listen. Covey then, goes on to say when we find ourselves in the position of listening, our focus is not on giving 100% attention to the person who is speaking, but our focus is on what we will say the moment the other person is finished.
Over the years, I have had countless telephone conversations with my daughter who lives overseas. While I am always excited to speak with her, there was a time when, as her mother, I somehow seemed to dominate the conversation. And, in my ‘mommy’ role, I also tended to interrupt her fairly frequently.
From time to time, there would be calls where she didn’t say very much at all, and for the life of me I could not figure out why. When I’d asked why she didn’t want to talk, she would get upset. When she got upset, I would get upset and then, we would begin to argue. From my point of view, the problem was her. From her point of view, it was me. Each of us accused the other of making it difficult to communicate.
One evening, looking for a book to read, I pulled a few books off my bookshelf. One of the books was Stephen Covey’s ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’. And while I had read the book before, I began to leaf through the text again. I stopped at Habit #5. Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood. I sat there in silence and chewed on those eight words for a long time, and while I had no great epiphany, somehow the words seemed to resonate.
And I realized that there are a number of things each of us can do to tweak our listening habits. Here are the seven easy to follow tips that helped me not only become a better listener, but also a more effective communicator in the process.
- Be patient. We speak and think at different rates. Give the other person time.
- Be 100% present. Give your undivided attention: no doodling, texting, doing anything that will take you away from the conversation moment.
- Be open to new ideas.
- Resist external distractions; keep focused on what the speaker is saying.
- Show that you are interested in what the other person has to say.
- Avoid interrupting
- Listen without judgement.
The next time my daughter and I connected over the phone, I decided to change my approach to the conversation. When she spoke, I now gave her my 100% attention. I also realized that when she paused ever so slightly that she was still in her conversation groove. And, it was not the time for me to jump in and start to speak … which is what I had always done before.
There were times when I desperately wanted to butt in with my opinion, but I didn’t. I bit my tongue and remained silent. Giving 100% attention was not the easiest for me to do, but I found that the more I did it, the easier it became. Along the way, something quite surprising happened. I found that the more I really listened, the less I ‘told’ and the more I ‘asked’. Our conversations began to take on a completely different tone. They changed and blossomed into something quite amazing, all because I decided to follow simple seven tips on how to be a better listener.