Photo by Randy Fath on Unsplash
Setting Boundaries in the Workplace
Have you ever felt you’ve been taken advantage of at work, by your boss, by your co-workers and colleagues? You want to say ‘No’ but just can’t bring yourself to say it.
After all they say such wonderful things about you.
– You’re such fun to work with …
– You are so good at …
– We really need you …
– Our team can’t do this without you
– You always come through for us…
So, you end up saying ‘Yes’ to them because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Instead, you end up hurting your own. You end up feeling angry at yourself, and even more angry at your co-workers because you feel they’ve taken advantage of you.
Saying ‘Yes’ when we wanted to say ‘No’ happens to many of us. The good news is that there is something we can do about it. We can begin to set boundaries. Building boundaries is a skill that takes time. It also means that we need to have a clear idea of how we want people to treat us and how we expect them to behave toward us.
I love this quote by the late Stephen Covey, “I teach people how to treat me by what I will allow.” Boundaries serve as guidelines letting people know how we want to and expect to be treated.
Here are five steps you can take to start setting boundaries for yourself in your workplace.
- This is not an easy task, but so worthwhile. Sit down and make a list of all the things you do during your work-day. Is there anything on that list that you could eliminate, delegate or after a meeting with your manager… assign elsewhere?
Now, if we’ve never set a boundary or limit on tasks we take on in the workplace, saying ‘No’ can be incredibly difficult. Sometimes it almost feels easier to quit and get a different job. However, from my own experience, I will say, the issue of not being able to set boundaries for yourself will follow you wherever you go.
- Practice saying, ‘No’. If you’ve been in the habit of saying ‘Yes’ to your co-workers when you wished you would’ve said ‘No’, you can bet your bottom dollar they will ask you again and again.
One way to get prepared and practice saying ‘No’ is to imagine a colleague asking you to volunteer, or take a role for a project and you don’t want to. Practice seeing yourself looking at them with understanding, calmly and strongly saying, ‘No’.
The more we practice out loud, hearing ourselves saying ‘No’ the easier it becomes. The last thing any of us want to do is to start building resentment inside ourselves. Getting angry at our colleagues because we feel they should know better than ask us … is a wee bit ridiculous. Duh! The reason they keep asking us is because we keep saying yes.
- Pause and breathe. Inhale through your nose counting to five, and exhale slowly through your mouth. Do this three or four times. Even though doing this may seem like an eternity, it only takes about 25/ 30 seconds.
After your pause, say “Thank you. Let me get back to you tomorrow. Or, I need to check my schedule and will get back to you later. Of course, we all know what happens next. If our coworker has never heard us say ‘No ‘ …. they won’t believe their ears because they’ve been accustomed to hearing ‘Yes’. So, the coworker will ask again and again with the intention of getting a ‘Yes’.
After every request, pause take deep breaths and calmly repeat ‘Thank you, I will get back to you tomorrow after looking at my schedule”. Our colleague will not be happy, but will eventually go off to do other things.
- Know what you want. What are your expectations? If you want people to treat you with value, then you have to show that you value yourself. Brian Tracy in his Psychology of Achievement program says “It’s impossible to have any healthy relationships at work or personal without boundaries.” When we have clearly defined boundaries, about what we will do and won’t do, we close the door for people to take advantage of us. It’s up to us to set the guidelines for how we want to be treated.
- Communicate clearly. If we want our co-workers and colleagues to honor and respect our boundaries, we need to honor and respect them ourselves on a consistent basis, and demonstrate this through our actions.
When someone wants you to do something and you don’t, say ‘No’ kindly, firmly and confidently. (Remember Tip 2. Practice). Avoid hedging with ‘um, er, ahhh or other fillers. This shows hesitation. Don’t apologize ‘I’m so sorry … or waffle by saying, I don’t know; I’ve so much work; I’d really like to but …”
By using fillers, apologizing or waffling in our answer to our co-worker, we are sending mixed signals. From their perspective, they see a ‘Yes’ coming if they just keep at it long enough. If we want people to respect our boundaries, they need to know what our boundaries are. And, how can people know what they are unless we communicate our boundaries and put them into practice clearly, strongly and consistently.
It’s impossible for any of us to function well and have good relationships in our workplace if we don’t have boundaries that define how we want to be treated. If you want to stop saying ‘Yes’ and begin saying ‘No’ … think about how you want people to behave toward you, and start setting your boundaries now.