Build the Confidence You Need in You

When the seminar leader shouted out, “You need to build confidence in you” to all of us seated in the seminar room, I knew instinctively, he was talking to me.

Why Did I Need to Build Confidence?

I was one of those people who would turn around a corner at work and take twice as long to get somewhere just to avoid a colleague because I had trouble saying, ‘No’. I thought it was rude to move away from someone who was wasting my time, because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings even though I was hurting my own. When it came to meetings, I was one of those people who was too afraid to speak up and share ideas because I doubted the value of what I had to offer. I was constantly sabotaging myself; telling myself I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough to stand up for myself.

If you avoid people, have trouble saying ‘No’, or have trouble standing up for yourself, perhaps you need to take what that seminar leader said to heart. You need to build confidence in you. Without a healthy dose of self-confidence, a person will never be able to take the action steps they need to take to move their life forward and feel better about themselves. Confidence is one of those essential soft skills we need to live fully.

What is Confidence?

Confidence is that inner belief. It’s that trust that we have in ourselves. Trust in the decisions we make and our abilities to accomplish what we’ve set out to do. When we feel confident, we feel empowered.

So much of what we do and how we communicate with others, depends on how we feel about ourselves, our level of confidence. And for each of us, it’s different. If you grew up in a dynamic family where everyone felt comfortable expressing their views, you might feel very confident saying ‘no’ to a request.

On the other hand, if you were raised as I was, in an environment where you were not allowed to express yourself at all …. saying ‘no’ can become excruciatingly difficult. It’s taken me years to build my confidence, and learn to trust my inner self. Increasing my levels of confidence has become for me, a daily ritual and life-long learning journey.

Tony Robbins said, “It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives. It’s what we do consistently.” If we want to feel better about ourselves, our relationships dealing with family and friends, our health, career and financial well-being then, developing self-confidence is essential. That inner belief about what we are capable of … on a consistent basis.

What Steps Can We Take?

There are many different actions we can take to build up the confidence we need. Nikita, one of my coaching clients, shares what she did in her TEDx talk to help her feel good about herself.  

Here are some of the steps I took (and am stilling taking today) to build my confidence in me. Whatever steps you decide to take for yourself, you need to work on your steps consistently and persistently.  Through the regularity and the routine, you will begin to build confidence you need.

1. Know that you are in charge of your thinking.
No one else is. Practice seeing yourself as a person who has choices. Really knowing and understanding that I have choices was pivotal for me. It’s important to see yourself as a person who can take action. And, when you take action be clear on the action you want to take.

2. Change your thinking from focusing on ‘problems’.
A focus that can sometimes lead to depression and feelings of fear and hopelessness over to thinking in terms of ‘opportunities’. Seeing ‘opportunities’ and asking questions: For example, I often ask myself, “What if…?” or “What’s another way ..?” or “What about?” I have found when I think in terms of opportunities, the door always seems to open to more possibilities. I also have a more positive state of mind and feel empowered to move forward.

3. Look at your past successes.
Think about a time when you felt overwhelmed by doubts and fears, but managed to move forward. You accomplished what you set out to do. Sometimes that can take effort. For me … I had to do a bit of digging to find my successes because I had buried them so deep inside of me, and when I did get compliments, I kept negating them with ‘Oh, That was nothing.”

4. Be patient. Be patient.
Learn to be patient with yourself. Building confidence takes time. Remind yourself everyday about your strengths and abilities. Give yourself pep talks. Be your own cheerleader! Think about the positives and the skills you are developing that will help you succeed in reaching your goal.

5. Be conscious of any negative self-talk.
When you hear your inner voice criticizing your inability to stand up for yourself, stop it with kindness. For sure, this can be difficult because we often want to squish the negative critique; get angry with it and push it away. Exactly the opposite of being kind. But, acknowledge the thought, and say to your inner critic “I am becoming more confident every day. Or, I am getting better expressing myself. Or, I am feeling more comfortable with who I am and what I do every day. I know from my own experience and can promise you that overtime the positive and confident thoughts you have about yourself will override and replace the negative ones.

6. Stuff happens
When you fail to express yourself the way you wanted, or accomplish what you set out to do, understand that sometimes ‘stuff’ happens. Instead of berating yourself, ask yourself what could you have done differently…and then take one small step after another to get there. And, move on.

7. Start stepping out of your comfort zone. There is no need to take giant leaps. In his Think and Grow Rich book, Napoleon Hill writes be committed to developing your self-confidence.  Know that every step, every accomplishment adds to building your self-confidence.

Building self-confidence is a journey. It’s never too early or never too late to begin. Start now …  to build the confidence you need in you.

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